Самые глупые ошибки в истории

Мы все ошибаемся. Это может быть какое-то глобальное неверное решение, которое приведет к нежелательным последствиям или же нелепая ошибка, вроде опечатки в слове «привет». Но все это вряд ли приведет к тому, что начнется Третья мировая война. А вот и нет! Потому что история уже знала случаи, когда, казалось бы, маленькая и незначительная оплошность влияла на все дальнейшие события и приводила к тому, что менялся весь мир.

Все мы иногда ошибаемся. Наши оплошности имеют очень разные последствия от незначительных до непоправимых. Но некоторые из людских неудач были настолько значительными и масштабными, что в той или иной мере они изменяли целый мир за считанные секунды. Винстон Черчилль (Winston Churchill) однажды сказал, что историю пишут победители, но в этой публикации вы сможете убедиться в том, что так происходит не всегда. От столкновения Титаника с айсбергом до крушения платформы Deepwater Horizon – здесь собраны одни из самых громких неудач и ошибок в истории человечества.

25. Вторжение Наполеона и Гитлера в Россию в преддверии зимы

Фото: Wikipedia

И Наполеон Бонапарт, и Адольф Гитлер совершали свои амбициозные попытки захватить Россию летом (1812 и 1941 года соответственно), но русские сопротивлялись намного дольше и ожесточеннее, чем ожидал их враг. В итоге в обоих случаях агрессоры позорно отступали именно зимой. Ни армия Наполеона, ни армия Гитлер не были готовы к таким суровым погодным условиям, и по мнению историков, в том числе, по этой причине они и потерпели бесславное поражение, полностью уступив русской армии.

24. Приказ Мао Цзэдуна убивать всех воробьев

Фото: pixabay.com

В 1958 году Мао Цзедун (Mao Zedong), отец-основатель Китайской Народной Республики, решил, что его страна обойдется без таких животных, как воробьи. Тогда же он и приказал убить всех этих птиц. Спустя 3 года уничтожение воробьев привело к массовому голоду китайцев из-за того, что была прервана пищевая цепочка. Истребляемые ранее именно воробьями насекомые расплодились до невиданной численности (особенно саранча) и съели практически весь урожай в стране.

23. Рональд Уэйн продал свой пакет акций компании Apple

Фото: pixabay.com

Рональд Уэйн (Ronald Wayne) был третьим соучредителем и владельцем 10% акций компании Apple Computer. В апреле 1976 года он решил продать свою долю за 800 долларов. Увы, тогда он не знал, что сегодня этот пакет акций будет стоить около 63 миллиардов долларов.

22. Студент загубил самое древнее в мире дерево

Фото: Dcrjsr / wikimedia

В 1964 году Дональд Раск Кюрри (Donal Rusk Currey) проводил исследования в сосновом бору Грейт Бэйзин (Great Basin), и его пробоотборник застрял в грунте. Местный лесник помог студенту – чтобы вытащить инструмент, он срубил целое дерево. Позже Кюрри решил посчитать кольца на пне и выяснил, что дереву было почти 5 000 лет. Это было старейшее в мире дерево среди всех задокументированных прежде…

21. История Пизанской башни

Фото: goodfreephotos.com

На строительство Пизанской башни ушло 177 лет, но спустя всего 10 лет после завершения всех работ в 1372 году она начала наклоняться из-за просадки почвы. В проектировании был явно совершен серьезный просчет. Башня наклонилась на 5.5 градусов, но после реставрации 2010 года угол составляет уже несколько меньше – 3,99 градуса. Специалисты уверены, что следующие 200 лет этому легендарному сооружению не понадобится помощь строителей и реставраторов.

20. Крушение Титаника

Фото: Wikimedia

Крупнейший пассажирский лайнер всех времен, Титаник, когда-то считали непотопляемым кораблем, но во время его первого плавания из Софэмптона в Нью-Йорк (Southampton, New York City) в апреле 1912 года весь мир убедился в обратном. К несчастью, Титаник столкнулся в море с айсбергом, что привело к гибели свыше 1500 человек из 2 224 пассажиров этого гигантского судна. Многие из них умерли от переохлаждения в воде просто потому, что лайнер не был оснащен достаточным количеством спасательных шлюпок.

19. Россия продала США Аляску

Фото: Paxson Woelber / wikimedia

18 октября 1867 года Соединенные Штаты купили у России Аляску по цене в 2 цента за акр (7,2 миллиона долларов в золоте). Русские власти считали, что это бесполезная тундра и не более, и с легкостью расстались с северной землей. Вскоре после этой международной сделки в 1880-1890 годах там была запущена широкомасштабная добыча золота, которая продолжается и по сей день. На Аляске до сих пор добывается больше драгоценного металла, чем в любом другом штате Америки, кроме Невады (Nevada).

18. Открытие пенициллина

Фото: Wikipedia

Александр Флеминг (Alexander Fleming), шотландский биолог, фармацевт и ботаник не особо заботился о гигиене во время своих научных исследований. Именно благодаря его небрежному отношению к чистоте Флеминг и открыл пенициллин. Однажды ученый просто заметил, что на его пробах завелась плесень, убивающая бактерии. Так пенициллин стал первым в мире антибиотиком.

17. В шаге от смертельной катастрофы из-за неверных расчетов

Фото: abdallahh / flickr

В 1983 году первый воздушный лайнер авиакомпании Air Canada, Боинг 767, был вынужден долгое время планировать и затем совершить экстренную посадку из-за того, что у самолета закончилось топливо. Кто-то ошибся в конвертации метрических систем и неправильно перевел количество галлонов горючего в необходимое число литров для запланированного полета. После того, как оба двигателя Боинга перестали работать, пилоты совершили то, что сегодня считается первым успешным аварийным приземлением коммерческого рейса с помощью приема «скольжение на крыло».

16. Потерявшийся охотник сжег целый лес

Фото: Wikipedia

Неопытный охотник Серхио Мартинез из Вест Ковина, штат Калифорния (Sergio Martinez, West Covina, California) потерялся в лесу в районе Сан Диего (San Diego) и решил развести огонь. К сожалению, этот костер привел к тому, что сегодня называют величайшим пожаром в истории штата. «Кедровый пожар» спалил лес площадью в 1 133 квадратных километров.

15. Жители Лондона убили всех кошек

Фото: pixabay

Во время Великой Лондонской чумы 1665 года люди заподозрили, что главными разносчиками болезни были кошки, и начали планомерно уничтожать это животное, чтобы очистить город от смертельного недуга. Однако из-за значительного снижения популяции кошек чума приняла еще более серьезные обороты. А все потому, что надо было убивать не кошек, а настоящих разносчиков чумы – мышей и крыс. Великая эпидемия чумы в Лондоне всего за 18 месяцев унесла жизни около 100 000 англичан, что составляло почти четверть населения столицы Великобритании в те времена.

14. Водитель эрцгерцога Франца Фердинанда просто повернул не туда

Фото: Wikimedia

Убийство австрийского эрцгерцога Франца Фердинанда и его жены Софи (Franz Ferdinand, Sophie) в Сараево 28 июня 1914 года считается происшествием, спровоцировавшим начало Первой мировой войны. Эту трагедию можно было бы избежать, если бы водитель Фердинанда не ошибся поворотом, из-за чего машина привела императорскую семью в руки их убийцы — Гаврило Принцип (Gavrilo Princip). Пораженный и обрадованный выпавшему ему шансу, Принцип убил сразу обоих знатных пассажиров несчастливого автомобиля – и Фердинанда, и его супругу.

13. Кто-то забыл закрыть ворота в Константинополь

Фото: Wikimedia

С середины 5 века до начала 13-го столетия Константинополь был крупнейшим и самым богатым городом Европы, не сдавшимся перед натиском арабов, берберов, болгар и русских агрессоров. В 1453 году его взяли в осаду уже турки. Кто-то из горожан не запер одни из входных ворот, через которые захватчики и пробрались внутрь. Жителей жестоко убивали или брали в рабство, а император Константин XI в итоге был казнен.

12. Звукозаписывающая компания Decca Records отказала группе The Beatles

Фото: wikipedia

В феврале 1962 года относительно неизвестная музыкальная группа The Beatles проходила прослушивание в студии Decca Records в Лондоне. Они исполнили 15 песен, но компания не оценила их выступление и отказала в записи их альбома. Как мы все знаем, Битлы позже стали одной из самых успешных и популярных групп в истории, но без помощи и выгоды для Декки.

11. Австрийская армия победила саму себя

Фото: wikipedia

В 1788 году во время Битвы за Карансебеш (Karansebes, современная Румыния) австрийская армия раскололась на 2 лагеря, и сражение закончилось тем, что по ошибке австрийцы победили себя самих. Турки, против которых они должны были воевать, прибыли на место сражения спустя 2 дня и обнаружили там 10 000 убитых или раненых и умирающих австрийских воинов.

10. Blockbuster «прошляпил» востребованный сегодня канал Netflix

Фото: Michel Ngilen / flickr

В 2000 году Рид Хастингс (Reed Hastings) обратился к бывшему гендиректору и основателю телевизионной сети Blockbuster Джону Антиоко (John Antioco) с предложением выкупить у Хастингса за 50 миллионов долларов студию Netflix. Антиоко решил, что это бизнес слишком низкого уровня для него, и отказал Хастингсу, не купив Netflix, который тогда был просто службой рассылки DVD. Сегодня компания Netflix оценивается на рынке в 32,9 миллиарда долларов. Владелец Blockbuster, наверное, очень жалеет о своем просчете.

9. NASA потеряло свой спутник из-за ошибки в подсчетах

Фото: Wikimedia

В 1999 году NASA потеряло спутник ценой в 125 миллионов долларов. Космический аппарат, вращающийся по орбите вокруг Марса, пропал из-за того, что Мартин Локхид (Lockheed Martin) из команды инженеров использовал в своих подсчетах британские единицы измерения в то время, как остальные члены команды космического агентства использовали более привычную им метрическую систему для управления орбитальным судном.

8. NASA удалили съемку первой посадки на Луну

Фото: Wikipedia

И снова про NASA. Есть еще кое-что, чем в агентстве не гордятся. Когда пришел черед пересмотреть старые пленки с записью культовой посадки на Луну 1969 года, оказалось, что она была нечаянно стерта, и на эти кассеты уже много раз с тех пор были записаны другие видеоматериалы. Все ради экономии. Для создания новой официальной версии прилунения NASA собрало записи телеэфиров этого события со всего мира и смонтировало цифровой ролик, чтобы исправить эту неприятную оплошность.

7. Пекарь сжег Лондон

Фото: Wikipedia

Спустя всего один год после Великой Лондонской чумы, свирепствовавшей в 1665 году, британской столице пришлось пережить еще одну катастрофу. Пекарь по имени Томас Фарринер (Thomas Farriner) отвлекся от работы, и его пекарня на улице Пуддинг Лэйн (Pudding Lane) загорелась. Пожар скоро распространился на другие части города и охватил еще 13 200 домов и 87 церквей.

6. Визит Юлия Цезаря в сенат закончился очень плохо

Фото: Wikipedia

Жена предупреждала Цезаря, что не стоит ему идти в сенат, но римский политик, известный своим высокомерием, не послушал супругу. Он все равно пошел туда 15 марта 44 года до нашей эры. К несчастью для гордеца, его закололи насмерть 60 членов этого самого сената, включая его лучшего друга Брута. Это довольно известная и грустная история, а ведь стоило всего лишь прислушаться к словам любимой.

5. Чернобыльская катастрофа

Фото: Wikipedia

26 апреля 1986 года во время поспешной ночной проверки на прочность системы электроснабжения, предусматривающей умышленное отключение системы безопасности, произошло непоправимое. Конструкторские недостатки и несоблюдения персоналом, обслуживающим ядерный реактор, протокола по проведению стресс-тестирования повлекли за собой то, что по сей день считается самой страшной ядерной катастрофой в истории человечества.

4. Пожар в Серро-Гранде

Фото: Wikimedia

Разрушительный пожар в Серро-Гранде (Cerro Grande) в 2000 году начался с контролируемого огня. Однако в итоге он быстро вышел из-под контроля из-за сухой и ветреной погоды. Свыше 400 семей города Лос Аламос, Нью Мехико (Los Alamos, New Mexico), лишилось крыши над головой и всей своей собственности из-за пожара, который не стихал еще 3 месяца вопреки всем стараниям спасательных служб.

3. Советские инженеры подожгли газовый карман

Фото: Roderick Eime / flickr

В 1971 году в Дарвазе, центральный Туркменистан, буровая установка пробилась в кратер вулкана. Чтобы продвигаться дальше и обезопасить работу, советские инженеры решили воспламенить газовые скопления, полагая, что они будут гореть от силы несколько недель. Спустя 46 лет кратер все еще полыхает. Он даже стал одним из самых популярных туристических мест в стране.

2. Путешествие Колумба в Америку

Фото: Wikimedia

В 1492 году Христофор Колумб переплыл Атлантический океан и высадился на берег Америки, хотя он полагал, чтоб открыл новый морской путь для торговли с Индией. Вдобавок, он и его люди нечаянно перевезли с собой целый букет заболеваний, о которых местные жители никогда не знали прежде. Их иммунная система не была готова бороться, например, с оспой, из-за чего целая популяция коренных народов Америки была стерта с лица Земли.

1. Разлив нефти на буровой платформе Deepwater Horizon

Фото: Wikipedia

20 апреля 2010 года в Мексиканском заливе взорвалась нефтяная вышка корпорации British Petroleum, высвободив из колодца почти 5 миллионов баррелей нефти. Это был крупнейший в истории случай разлива нефти, потеснивший с первого места катастрофу 1979 года, когда 3,3 миллиона баррелей разлились в Мексике в районе залива Кампече (Campeche). Образовавшееся в результате взрыва на Deepwater Horizon нефтяное пятно распространилось на территорию площадью в 176 100 квадратных метров, и эта катастрофа вызвала губительные последствия на всех обитателей моря, убив миллионы рыб, черепах, морских млекопитающих, птиц и других животных.

History brims with many incredible, defining moments, undertaken by long-ago figures who can seem larger than life. We’re taught these glorified moments in school, and we honor them during remembrance ceremonies. But there are also dumb moments, buried in time, that those involved might have wished to erase. Whether the result of foolishness, insanity, heartlessness, grave mistakes, or just plain awkwardness—here are 48 of history’s dumbest moments.

Dumb Moments In History Facts

1. Playing It Too Safe

Walter Hunt invented the safety pin in Brooklyn, all the way back in 1849. He sold the patent right away for a measly $400. Hunt later died pennilessly, and by that time there were billions of safety pins being made annually. Talk about pricking yourself.

2. Beer Me

With all due respect to Charlton Heston’s shirtless overacting in The Ten Commandments, there’s evidence that the Egyptian pyramids were built with the sweat of paid labor—not broken slaves. But ancient Egyptian bosses were known to be huge cheapskates, and one of their penny-pinching moves was paying their workers in beer.

Each laborer got up to five liters of beer per workday, and historians surmise that the Egyptians would have had a worker riot on their hands if the kegs ever tapped dry. Nothing like being permanently tipsy in the blazing desert heat to take the edge off a lengthy construction job.

3. This Sounds Dumb

Colonel Tom Parker, Elvis Presley’s manager, wanted to profit directly off of an Elvis record through his label. Presley was under contract to RCA, but greedy Parker figured he could release an album of strictly “spoken word” Elvis, and that RCA wouldn’t complain. That album, Having Fun With Elvis On Stage, was a complete disaster.

It contained zero songs, just Elvis’s banter from his live shows—which was mostly just Elvis mumbling jokes at the audience between tunes. Critics called it an auto wreck plowing into a carnival freak show, and RCA ended up claiming all the rights anyway.

4. What He Needed Was Smart Pills

Qin Shi Huang was China’s first emperor and the first man to singlehandedly rule over the seven kingdoms that he’d conquered. But Huang wasn’t resting easy—he was absolutely obsessed with his quest for immortality. Huang spent the last decade of his life badgering every medicine man in China to invent an elixir for immortality.

One of his browbeaten alchemists finally convinced Huang he’d found the magic pills, and Huang swallowed the bait with gusto. What that alchemist gave him was poisonous mercury, and Huang perished shortly afterward.

5. A Royal Pain in the…

George II’s worst mistake wasn’t just dumb, it was lethal. He was so constipated and exerting himself with such force on the toilet, that his heart physically burst.

6. King of Shame

It’s still creepy to see photos of Edward VIII and his wife, Wallis Simpson, with Adolf Hitler before World War II. Queen Elizabeth II’s uncle had shockingly given up his throne to marry Simpson, a twice-divorced American. But it’s equally shocking that pampered patsy Edward, and his self-absorbed wife, were foolish enough to sympathize with Hitler.

British intelligence tried hard to keep the ex-king’s buddy status with Hitler under wraps—but the whole messy situation was finally outed in an official document, published in 1957.

7. British Throne: Heirless.

The uncles of the future Queen Victoria were too dumb to think her birth was of any consequence. Her grandfather, King George III, suffered from acute mental illness throughout his life. But he did have a dozen surviving adult children, so a legitimate male heir to the throne was practically guaranteed, right? The short answer was no! By 1817, a “succession crisis” became the raging scandal of the day.

George’s dense sons were forced to dump their scores of mistresses, and get hitched to just one, worthy European princess each, in a race to provide an unblemished heir. It was Victoria who survived, winning the race, and becoming one of the longest rulers in British history.

8. Sweet Caroline

Queen Victoria’s uncle, King George IV, brought so much scandal to the British monarchy, the negative press of his foolishness spawned modern (AKA sleazy) British tabloid journalism. George IV showed exceptional stupidity in 1820. He detested his estranged wife, Caroline of Brunswick. But the only way George could divorce her, back then, was to have her charged with adultery, which would be a royally dumb move.

Salacious news of the trial was distributed to eager readers across the British Isles. While the excess-driven King was certain that his subjects sided with him, the majority supported Caroline. When the divorce proceedings failed, there was a celebratory riot in the streets of London.

9. Yes, Virginia, There Is a Claudius

Claudius, who eventually became Rome’s fourth emperor, was kept hidden until relatively late in his life, due to his ignorant family. Historians believe Claudius suffered from cerebral palsy or a form of Tourette’s. His brutal mother called him “a monstrosity of a human being,” and his nut-job nephew, infamous Roman Emperor Caligula, encouraged people to mock Claudius by pelting him “with the stones of olives and dates” at gatherings.

10. Warning: Don’t Bug Him

I highly doubt that Joseph Stalin ever felt dumb about being known as being so nasty. That may have cost him his life. His guards were petrified to disobey him, and one of Stalin’s more ominous orders was to never be disturbed in his bedroom. When he didn’t make it out of bed after sunup on the morning of March 1, 1953, everyone gulped hard.

But they were too afraid to knock, and it wasn’t until closer to midnight before quivering guards sucked up the courage to crack Stalin’s bedroom door open. They found him splayed on the floor, alive, but marinating in his own urine. He’d suffered a stroke, and he was dead within four days.

11. Worst. Pope. Ever.

Popes in medieval Rome were hardly pinnacles of religion, but John XII was the dumbest, drunkest, most debauched of the lot. He was barely 18 years old when he was elected pope, in an unwise political move. Partying like a frat-boy on holy Roman grounds, John XII also had zero guilt about betraying Otto I—the German emperor who’d sworn to protect him.

A humiliated Otto had John overthrown. Somehow, John managed to scramble up an army, but he perished shortly afterward (in bed with another man’s wife, or so it was rumored.)

12. Bonaparte Vs. the Barbarians

Napoleon Bonaparte took control of France in 1799. After that, the diminutive, overconfident emperor stormed through Europe, until most of the continent lay at his feet. In 1812, Napoleon vowed to “once and for all…finish off these barbarians of the North,” and he invaded Russia. Seriously dumb decision.

13. Napoleon Un-Dynamite

Although he’d amassed a European army of over one million soldiers, Napoleon was utterly ignorant of the brutal Russian climate. The smaller, but undoubtedly shrewder, Russian army also employed ‘scorched earth’ tactics, a total game-changer. On June 24, 1812, the first wave of Napoleon’s army entered Russia, prematurely convinced of victory.

By October 19, 1812, a dumbstruck Napoleon was forced out of Moscow, with more than 90% of his million-strong army annihilated.

14. Hank’s Coffin Sprung a Leak

Henry VIII had seemed to be such a promising young king. But he grew increasingly paranoid during his turbulent reign, aging through six wives, and producing just one sickly male heir. Henry grew obese too, weighing over 400 pounds at death. Court officials assumed that a lead-lined coffin would hold Henry’s immense corpse. Not only were they wrong, the worst possible outcome was in store.

During his funeral procession, Henry’s corpse exploded, leaking diseased, bodily fluids onto the streets.

15. Cannonballs on Point

James II of Scotland figured a fiery cannonball display would dazzle his lady. Perhaps he felt too invincible (or too turned on to think straight). Either way, James got too close to the weaponry. When his men fired, a cannonball blew directly into James’ thigh, and he perished from the blood loss.

16. Medieval Fear Factor

When Henry I took on a food dare, he paid—with his life—to play. During one banquet, Henry scarfed down a stupid number of bloodsucking eels. Food poisoning hit, and Henry perished. There is a reason boiled cabbage is on the menu, folks.

17. Back in the Saddle…The End

William the Conqueror was brilliant in battle—but not so much at horse whispering. During a chaotic skirmish, William’s horse halted so abruptly that William’s innards ruptured against his saddle, and he perished from the force. It sounds like the worst way to ride off into the sunset.

18. Seven Years of Dumb George

In 1754, George Washington was an overachieving colonel, serving the British by strengthening their claim to the Ohio Valley.  Washington and his crew encountered Joseph Coulon de Jumonville, who was on a similar expedition in the Ohio Valley, claiming lands for France. The two countries weren’t yet at war, but Washington ordered de Jumonville’s camp ambushed, and Washington’s guide delivered a fatal tomahawk blow to de Jumonville.

Washington’s blunder served as a trigger to the Seven Years’ War, and he suffered his first defeat in battle shortly thereafter.

19. Those Invaders Be Tripping

During the War of 1812, the Americans figured that Canada would be a cinch to invade, and a large-scale American militia marched north. But the invading Americans started hearing mysterious rumors about a huge, bloodthirsty swarm of natives ready to ambush them. Panic blew up, and the Americans hightailed it back to their fort in Detroit. The smaller British force then appeared at Fort Detroit.

They warned that the bloodthirsty native warriors were still going to pounce if the Americans didn’t surrender immediately. It probably took about a hot second for the Americans to abandon the fort.

20. Happy Hour Turned Friendly Fire

In 1788, Austrian horsemen made the dumb decision to mix schnapps and muskets. Austria was battling with Turkey over the Danube River, and many Austrian horsemen were on a night patrol to sniff out Turks. They never found the enemy, but the horsemen did happen upon a gypsy party—and free booze. Austrian foot soldiers found out about the happy hour, and they wanted in too.

Fistfights broke out between the Austrian horsemen and foot soldiers. A gunshot was heard, and shouts of “Turk, Turk!”. Mass confusion ensued, and the Austrians tramped off in disorganized directions. Convinced they were under attack by the Turks, the Austrians shot at each other all night. By morning, friendly fire had claimed at least 10,000 Austrians.

21. Talk About a Hard Sell

Discovering Tutankhamun’s tomb was one of history’s greatest archeological accomplishments. It took Howard Carter, and his team, over a decade to catalog the priceless riches of Tut’s burial site. One prominent detail, unmentioned in more conservative accounts, is that the boy king’s mummy had a full-on mummified erection. Until it disappeared.

Stupid accusations flew that someone had stolen Tut’s embalmed manhood for profit. The accusers were silenced when CT scans revealed that the erection had crumbled enough to fall off, getting buried in the sandy debris around the mummy post-excavation.

22. The Lust Boat

Thousands of years pre-Tinder, ancient Egyptian dudes could get mighty brazen about encouraging their ladies to swipe right. A Greek documenter of the period, named Herodotus, wrote about Egyptian men sailing down the Nile to get to a religious ceremony. It was a sacred occasion, but the ignorant men still jeered at the women on shore, pulling up their garments, and flashed as they sailed past.

23. Peace Out, Deviant

The Greek historian Herodotus also documented a bizarre custom amongst the Egyptian upper classes, that intended to thwart more perverted embalmers. The timely method of embalming always occurred with Egyptian men, who were embalmed immediately after death. However, women’s bodies were left to decay for three to four days.

That cringe-worthy change in custom stemmed from an embalmer in the Egyptian royal house, who’d been dumb enough to get caught in an act of necrophilia with a “fresher” woman’s body.

24. Misjudging Menstruation

Ancient Egyptians believed that men menstruated too and that blood in men’s urine, and stool, was a positive sign of fertility. Little did they know, parasitic worms were the likely cause of heavy flow in males.

25. Death Was Like a Box of Chocolates

Thoughts about the Third Reich generally aren’t sweet or delicious. But during World War II, some evil scientists had the dumb idea to invent a bomb disguised as a chocolate bar. The explosives were intended to get smuggled into Britain, right into the dining room where Winston Churchill and his advisors convened. The British unwrapped the sweet-toothed scheme before disaster struck, and chocolate bombs never got anywhere near Churchill.

26. Nixon Failed the Juice Test

Who knows what fate would have squeezed out for Richard Nixon, if he’d succeeded at freezing California orange juice? In 1938, the future president and his investor cronies started the Citra-Frost Company—convinced they’d strike it rich, selling frozen orange juice. Nixon got right in there, dicing oranges to a pulp on the production line.

But freezing orange juice isn’t doable, and Citra-Frost went bankrupt after 18 months.

27. The Founding Fathers of Smack Talk

Today’s mudslinging politicians should look to Thomas Jefferson and John Adams for smack-talking inspiration. The two had been close friends at one point—but then they became bitter political enemies, eventually going head-to-head for the presidency. And those two talking heads came up with some pricelessly dumb insults.

Jefferson’s finest included accusing Adams of being a hermaphrodite. Adams attempted to swing voters by telling everyone in earshot that Jefferson had dropped dead.

28. The Monarch Is Team Moby Dick

There’s a dumb British law, still in existence, proclaiming that whales in UK waters are the property of the British monarchy.

29. It Tasted Awful, and It Didn’t Work

You think bitter cough syrup tastes icky? Try swallowing the nonsense from priests and apothecaries in the 1600s. They instructed gullible patients to take “medications” containing ground-up tissues and bones from dead bodies. Suddenly Buckleys seems way more palatable.

30. Why Didn’t Tudors Blind Date?

Henry VIII’s fourth wife, Anne of Cleves, came out lucky—as in wealthier and alive—following her short marriage to the king. Before they met in person, Henry ordered a portrait of Anne to be painted and delivered to him, to assure his huge ego that she was beautiful enough. He probably should have sprung for at least one blind date.

When they finally did meet, Henry was immediately turned off. He even cruelly nicknamed Anne the “Mare of Flanders” behind her back.

31. No Soap for You

Chairman Mao was the tyrannical leader of the people’s republic of China. But who would think he was capable of anything, given the string of vocations he failed at miserably when he was growing up? Mao dropped out of police academy, a school of law, and a school of economics. He couldn’t even get through soapmaking school without quitting.

32. Don’t Call Her Fat

Charles II was notorious for his revolving door of side chicks, and the British monarch had a penchant for giving them dumb nicknames. He called one lady Fubbs—an old English insult for chubby.

33. Must Love Dog-doo

How sweet it is to have a dog breed named after you! In the case of the Cavalier King Charles spaniel, it’s been documented through portraiture, and written accounts, that there was an extremely close bond between Charles II and the yappy toy spaniels bearing his moniker. His contemporaries groused about Charles and his ankle-biters during official meetings, when Charles preferred playing fetch instead of paying attention to the business at hand.

Even worse, the dogs were free to do their business everywhere. The whole court apparently stunk like a modern-day, off-leash dog park.

34. Here, Fishy, Fishy

There were random, slapstick moments of comedy during the French Revolutionary conflict with Britain: including one testy Welsh woman, capturing 12 stupid-drunk French soldiers with just a pitchfork in the sleepy town of Fishguard, Wales. The French planned to support an Irish rebellion, leading to a full-blown invasion of the UK.

Brutal seas forced all but the third wave of French invaders to retreat. The third wave blew well off course, to the nowhere port of Fishguard. The Welsh were outnumbered, their version of a militia including just 400 hundred men and an equal number of women—nowhere near the 1,800 well-armed French soldiers who’d drifted into town.

But the French soldiers had been wiling away their time in Fishguard, drinking, and dozing it off. When they saw the Welsh marching towards them, they just gave up.

Royal Oak, Fishguard

35. Someone Jam a Cracker Down Polly’s Throat

Andrew Jackson was called “the people’s president,” although his more inhumane accomplishments include a forced Native American migration—that’s the aptly named “Trail of Tears.” After Jackson died, thousands of people turned up at the funeral, and someone was also dumb enough to let a parrot in. The bird had been Jackson’s pet, and it apparently started cussing a blue streak before the funeral sermon even began.

I guess no one found a cracker to shut that parrot down, because the feathered friend had to be forcibly removed from the service.

36. Spain Defeated by Skates

In the 1500s, the Netherlands was controlled by Spain—but Dutch rebels were demanding religious reforms. Spain was foolish enough to think a Dutch beatdown would be a cinch. Although the Dutch were seriously outnumbered, they had a nifty trick up their sleeve. They could skate. The Spanish tried to invade Amsterdam with their military vessels, but the waters had frozen.

Spanish soldiers disembarked onto the ice, skidding around like idiots. Suddenly, Dutch soldiers appeared to be flying across the ice. The stunned Spanish finally clued in. The Dutch weren’t flying—they had skates on. Spain retreated in humiliation.

37. Mission Impossible

Rudolf Hess was devoted to his Third Reich boss—yeah, the one with the bad mustache. Hess even had himself voluntarily imprisoned to be closer to him in jail. While he initially appointed Hess deputy party leader, Hess’s influence waned towards the start of World War II. In 1941, Hess hatched a plan, desperate to win back his fearless leader’s affection and reinstate his prestige.

Flying secretly from Bavaria, Hess parachuted alone into Scotland, carrying with him bogus peace proposals that he delivered to the British. The British dismissed him completely, tossing him in jail. Hitler was even more harsh, rejecting Hess for good and accusing him of “pacifist delusions.”

38. Uniformly Incompetent

General Ulysses S. Grant won the Civil War, eventually serving as the 18th American president. But when he was a 17-year-old kid attending military school at West Point, Grant failed miserably at the school uniform. He constantly received demerit points for his sloppy appearance, and his classmates took a play on his name by calling him “Useless.”

39. What Not to Wear

President Ulysses S. Grant suffered numerous political scandals in office. On a strictly personal note, he dressed like a complete idiot. Observers joked that Grant would show up looking like some guy delivering woodpiles in St. Louis. Others said he was so unimpressive a specimen, he went unnoticed in crowds.

40. Was It Bird Flu?

Ulysses S. Grant loved his future wife so much, it was borderline daffy. When her pet canary died, he painstakingly made a small coffin, and he painted it yellow. Then he made eight of his fellow military officers show up at her house, where he conducted a funeral service for the canary. Is that a cuckoo clock I hear?

41. Move Over, Rover

Ulysses S. Grant has been ranked one of the five worst presidents in American history—with unflattering descriptions ranging from his “peculiar ignorance” of the constitution, his “errors of judgment,” and lack of “previous political training.” A historian even clarified his dumbness by commenting that “dogs didn’t like him,” either.

42. Not a Complete Idiot

Ulysses S. Grant’s wife, Julia Dent Grant, was the object of many cruel, unflattering opinions too. She was cross-eyed and very embarrassed about her condition. Julia pressed for surgery to correct it, but Grant refused. Before we all think that Grant deserved a solid kick in the butt for that dumb refusal, consider this. He loved his wife very deeply, and he insisted that she remain looking just as she had on their wedding day.

43. Columbus Hosed His Crew

The legacy of Christopher Columbus has been tarnished over the years, and it’s known now that he wasn’t shy about alienating his crew. During his voyage of 1492, Columbus promised a hefty reward to the first crewman who spotted the new world. Rodrigo de Triana, a sailor on the voyage, reported seeing a small island, now named San Salvador.

But Columbus kept the reward of gold, lying to his crew that he’d spotted the same island the evening before.

44. His Odds Were Terrible

Columbus had a disastrous track record on his voyages. He captained the flagship of his 1492 voyage—the Santa Maria—right into the ground, stranding 39 of his sailors after the boat sank. During his fourth voyage to the Caribbean, his ship rotted out. Columbus and his crew were marooned on Jamaica for an entire year after that.

45. He Got Arrested for Being a Horrible Governor

The Spanish king and queen made Christopher Columbus the governor of Santo Domingo, in appreciation of his discovering new lands for Spain. Columbus might have been cut out for exploring, but he sucked at governing. Columbus and his brothers stole profits from the government’s coffers, and they alienated the settlers who were trying to establish a life in the new world. The enraged king and queen had Columbus dragged back to Spain in chains.

46. Crazy-Stupid Caligula

Caligula reigns supreme in history as Rome’s craziest emperor. During his chaotic rule, Caligula declared himself a god, humiliating and terrorizing his senators, and his high command. But the dumbest move, that really sunk Caligula’s boat, was his bizarre revenge against the mythical Roman sea god. Caligula ordered his army to wade into the ocean, play-fight with the waves, and collect seashells in treasure chests before he claimed victory over Neptune.

In AD 41, Caligula was taken out by a fed-up Praetorian Guard.

47. Higher Infidelity

The King James version of the Bible is historically known as “the people’s Bible.” But an ill-fated, 1631 edition of the King James Bible contained a dumb printing error, that must have freaked people out. The Seventh Commandment should have read “Thou shall not commit adultery”, but the “not” was omitted.

The printers’ lives were ruined, and great efforts were taken to destroy all copies of the so-called ‘Wicked Bible’. 10 copies of the Wicked Bible still exist, and one sold at auction, in 2015, for £31,250.

48. Political Footwork for Dummies

In 1967, a small town in Ecuador held a mayoral election with write-in balloting. An Ecuadorean foot powder company got the dumb idea to advertise their foot powder on leaflets that said, “Vote for Pulvapies.” The townsfolk thought the ads were for an actual candidate, so the advertising was a runaway success for the wrong reason—the foot powder got elected mayor.

Sources: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41